Priorities, Values…. Those things I set my heart toward as guiding lights. Those things I give my self too, and embrace as important to this life path I am on. No longer a tumble weed blown about. But with intent face myself.
Judgments, excuses, and lies I tell myself are ok to do, to be, right there beside the choices I make, like a hand made quilt that is wrapped around me. I ask; Do these things reflect who I am inside, or maybe just become the walls I hide behind. Do I deny that these things are so?
Seeing now a wider view. No longer selfishly contained. I ask, How do you feel. What is important to you, in these places where our steps are heading along beside this life path?
Who are we anyway, when what we think we need colors that which is within our own Being-ness. Do we do to others, what we want done to us? What energy are we creating? What are we running from, or living for?
Have we grown, and if so, How have we grown the lives we live? Would someone understand us by these things we hold on to, the things we value above all else, or these things we set our sights toward?
Would I dare to see my self, so clearly as I tell my self I see those around me? Who am I now that these years have passed? Who are you? What were our steps made from, if we loved not our self in the beginning of all these things?
Now, this moment, an opportunity to open the life we live, and ask once more, Is this where I want to be? Is this who I want to be? Or maybe, Was the price of what I lost, or gained worth the price we all paid?
Change is our constant guide. Here we can begin again. As I lay with humbled breath upon these dreams, before this night is through, may you know who I am by where my heart lives true within. May I know you by what you hold true. Then like the wind, may we begin again to grow beyond what we have known, and taken to our side. May we grow the purity of our change from a place of sacredness, not selfishness, and fears we once knew.
So even as I ask, Who am I now, I know. I know as with all beginnings, and ends, I am what I was, and always will be…one with the essence of life, The breath experiencing the growing rebirth inside the whole of creation.
The I that lives in this world is troubled. She is an older female, alone, afraid, peering with squinted eyes at a world judged wrong.
She sees beauty, and lives with love, in communion with loving people, with abundance, joy, peace. Sometimes.
And not a day goes by, where her mind doesn't jump at the chance to say "you're wrong", and with hooded eyes do I gaze coldly at another, to whither that other, to kill.
In another moment I am steeped in the ecstasy of truth experienced, with oneness felt, but this "I" is not the I of this world. And this ecstatic I is gone in a few moments, a minute, an hour. The feeling of it so strong, so striking as it is experienced, that it's memory remains with me, at the forefront of my reality in this world. The remembrance of this experience helps me to choose it again, when faced with the knife I withdraw, stinking with the smell of blood, from my brother.
Who am I now? The one who jumps back and forth between feeling fear and feeling love. From feeling anxiety to feeling peace. From focusing on limitation to focusing on expansion.
My awareness of the little I, in fear and misery, gives me some guidance, as I compare it to the I that is aware of connection. Each time I choose fear, I become more strongly aware of that choice, so strongly now, that I can change that choice often, but not always, to love.
This is a process. Yet part of that process is not denying my misery. It is allowing it, recognizing it, being mindful of it, checking on how it feels, watching my self. Always watching for the opportunity to choose again. Always asking myself, at the beginning of each day:
What lesson will I learn today? Who am I now.
Blessings to us all on our journey to Truth, Chris
"Who am I now? I am those moments when I am in no personel needs, when I have no personal expectations, when I know there is no need to struggle to be better i.e. get enlightened and so on. Those moments when I know I will be loved whatever I do or whatever I think. Knowing that I am loved with no expectations is knowing the same for those I see around. How do you love others? You don't judge them do you? If you would have expectations in any form how could you love yourself and those you see around? Who I am is the life bursting with joy and happiness. The joy and happinesss which is not dependend on the circunstances but comes from that which one could call the source; with seemingly no reason. The love and joy and happiness of the source is the love and joy and happiness without selfishness and thoughts of exclusivity. I lived like that...I lived a long time like that, feeling "better" and "different" and mostly without being aware of that I felt and thought these things. I lived like that. I lived long enough judging self and the rest. Who I am now was none of those now I see it a little more clearly. I am who I am with every step I make in that state of being. Being the wholeness and being the beauty. Not a personal one...I don't choose it anymore." As he spoke these words tears were rolling down his cheeks. Tears showing a mixture of emotions of feeling unworthy and alone but at the same time of joy and being loved. This was OK. At the end he was a human...
Who am I now? I am all those things I don't know anything about. I am that which is unfamiliar to me. Everything that I know about myself, I am one step behind it. Everything I know about the world, I am the one who steps behind them into the "unknown". Unknown is my best friend because I am it. The more I know I know I have to step forward again and again. This makes me who I am. I am what I am not and never going to be...This I consider must be the best definition about me which can ever be...
Is this me? I am asking myself. I sit whole day without energy. I don't have energy for anything. Don't go anywhere, don't meet people, don't work because I am always sleepy and with "no energy". Oh, no...I have energy. For self pittying, judging self and others, for fearing nearly everything. Who am I now? Am I all these things or have I just created them and now stuck in them because I believe them to be me? Am I fear or am I joy and happiness? The universe gives one whatever he believes or creates. But is it so easy just to switch from "unworthiness" to joy and self value and love? If I have created loneliness why can I not change it?
And you know maybe this was what I have been hiding from all my life. To see that I don't feel worthy. To see that I am afraid. And maybe this is just love that asks for the things which have been swept under the carpet to come out and to be seen...Maybe all this is about hope and love and not what it seems to be. Maybe now I feel loved and I love myself so much that I can admit those feelings I have been hiding from. Like somebody sitting next to a psyciatrist. Talking about a trauma he simply denied all his life. The psychiatrist knows it is difficult to deal with thoughts and feelings like this but he knows at the end this will resolve energies and open up new horizonts for the patient. Maybe it is not just self pittying but it is the will to heal wound and shows the love and courage of "the patient". On short term not nice -seen throu the eyes of the ego- but on long term the key to transform - seen throu the eyes of the soul. I guess I will never know.
We learned to kill. First we killed the child inside. Then we started to kill self and others. With every judgment, with every fear we kill the abundance and the life. Living is not killing but this is what we learned. How to live again is the question, who am I is the answer and our guide...
