Dear all, and especially Chris, it's been a while since I wrote. Lots of things have happened, or rather I made lots of things happen. Whether they are positive or negative (perceived, I know) I cannot say at the moment.
After what has felt like an eon of stagnation in my life I had decided to change things in my life, by hook or by crook. Even if I wouldn't figure everything out I would get myself together and change. That was in mid August. So I started clearing out my flat where I had been living for the past 14 years, paintied everything, threw old stuff away, took the stuff I wanted to keep to numerous victims who were willing to take it, and did everything whilst working full time on the side. I can honestly say that it was the most strenuous time in all my life, and also honestly, I hated every minute of it. Additionally, I started at my new school in London in mid September so I had to fly there and back as well. I finally handed over my flat to the landlord two weeks ago and now I am sitting here in a hotel in London, trying to find a new place to live and some source of income. I don't really know what I want to do and how it is all going to work out and as far as money is concerned ... you catch my drift :-)
So this is, what happened on the outside.
On the inside, I have been through two months of being scared to death and a lot of temper tantrums from the little me, and since there was so much to do, I often forgot to take care of it. So now, after those two months, I feel emotionally very drained and really not "there". P'taah has said so often that all of this is about learning how to dance on a moving rug. Well, I have found the bloody rug, however, dancing is not the word that I would use at the moment. It feels as if I am expected to be a perfect ballet dancer whilst having to wear clogs and wobbling around on stilts.
The interesting thing is that I have been chiding myself for the past years for not getting myself together and doing something. And now that I have finally done something, I still critisize myself on the inside, as if it was never enough. It is very hard for me to get into my "feeling mode" (my expression for the state I am in when embracing the baby me), every time I try to do it, I just fall asleep, lol.
Anyway, enough with the drama. Sorry, if all this doesn't make a lot of sense (it doesn't to me either, lol), I don't feel very grounded or structured right now. I am ok, but I have definitely been better.
So, dear ones, this was my little update. I send a big hug to all of you, and your input is greatly appreciated and expected!
I remember asking you (what seems like) a long time ago, to share what strife you seemed to be going through, and now you have done so. Thank you dear friend - for your openness and willingness to be seen.
You are in the middle of the whirlwind tornado that can otherwise be called the fear that this world is based upon. You seemed to be in a place where you had to make a change because of "stagnation", yet the outer condition, as the saying goes, is only a reflection of the inner condition. Until you change the inner, the outer, in essence, will remain the same. Perhaps you had to change the outer, to realize that it isn't the changing of the outer that creates any lasting gain, but the changing and opening of your inner awareness that brings peace. This is experienced through acceptance, allowance, surrender, and before even all that, the decision to know yourself as Love.
You have created this change in your life, and for a reason, although that reason may not be immediately comprehended. What I'm drawn to say to you my friend, is trust.
Trusting is not an easy thing to do. Especially when you're wobbling around the rug in clogs and stilts. Yet trusting that the process is happening in a way that is of greatest benefit to you, may be a step in the direction of changing that inner condition.
Next, be kind and tender and allowing of yourself and your process. I know about the criticizing of yourself on the inside, yet I also know that the kinder you can remember to be to yourself, the more gentle will be your experience of this great change in your life. Be kind. Trust your guidance. When you criticize yourself, just remind yourself that that is simply a thought passing through the mind of mankind, and let it wander on. You need make no judgment of it. It is perfectly ok that you noticed that thought of criticism, yet it is also ok to step back, and see that that is not who you really are. And then let the thought wander on.
You are on the right path, and in fact, as our dear mentor P'taah has many times said, you are never off your path, and you have never made a mistake, not once. So trust this. Be kind with you. Love that baby one, even when it is in the middle of a tantrum and even if you fall asleep. It's okay. It will all work out. It always, always does.
You are so very much loved my friend, without condition... and my appreciation to you and of you is so great. I know the tears you cry, as they are my own. Yet together we can know joy, a place without tears, where we do all stand together, and understand our Truth and our Oneness. You are supported here beloved Philipp, and loved beyond words truly.
I hold thoughts of you in beautiful colors of light my friend. Be kind, be gentle, and trust. All is well, Much love and many blessings, Chris
Hi Philipp! I am bursting with joy that you have made the giant step to follow your dreams and move to London. I have been following your path via many P'taah CD's for many months and am aware of the courage you have shown. Know that I love you and support you in your bravery. I have thoroughly enjoyed your description above.
Oh Philipp- How Exciting!! You are such a great story teller and I know have inspired us all to get off our "arses" and just Do IT! I am so proud of you for jumping off the cliff. You mentioned not feeling grounded or structured - welcome to my world...I do not mean to sound sexist, but it seems in my experience that female vibration is more comfortable with "going w/the flow" as they say. And feeling "not there" is how I've spent most of my life (and not because I was high on drugs, Ha). It seems that the lesson I get from the male side of me is how to get more grounded, more structured, more processed as it were. The feminine side of me floats from one emotional (usually peaceful emotion) state to the next - sharing heart to heart, unafraid, courageous, untiring - However, if you are new to all that it must seem incredibly draining, just as Working in a structured, seemingly unemotional, business environment is for me sometimes.
I am actually not a big Bible person any longer, however the verse A.S.K Ask and ye shall receive, See and ye shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened unto you...has proven one of the best pieces of advice I've ever read. Don't forget to ask, seek and knock... and go where the path leads you - Soon you'll be settled again and everything will make sense.
Sending oodles of love to you - Patricia PS don't get too busy embracing the "fearful" you...that you forget to embrace the Power that you are too!!
Hi ya Phillip - Are you headed to a Halloween Party tomorrow? What's new with you in wonderful London, England.
I just rewatched "84 Charring Cross Rd" about the bookseller and the NY lady...what a delightful story - it made me cry with gladness that such people exist. I don't know if it's a true story either but I imagined it was while I watched it - has two great actors in it too.
Anyway, hope to hear from you again soon and sending you lots of encouragement to remember the Joy is in the Journey!
You have been and still are to some extent going thru " a dark night of the soul". This seems to be a step that we humans need to go through to advance to 'greener pastures'.
Thank you for your sharing and candor it helps us all you know so thank you.
I am reminded of a poem which basically says 'Don't give up' but it's last lines are an encouragement to us when we traverse similar scenarios as you have been through.
I paraphrase the words as I don't have them at hand but it goes something like this:
Many a person you Know gives up too soon They can't see thru the dark and gloom But with true faith new hope is born - It's always the darkest just before the dawn! And the clouds of doom give way to light As the Sun bursts forth-clear and bright!!
So keep on pushing through Phil be assured there really IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Dear all, Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. It is a very strange time for me, the new life has sort of begun but is not yet really there, the old life has sort of ended but is not yet really gone. It took me some time to realise that I really do not want to go back, my time in Munich is so far away from me. But the feeling of not being completely settled in my new life is nagging me. I am still staying at a hotel but I have found a place where I can move in as soon as it is renovated. The income situation is still unsolved and I don't have any idea what I really want to do as a job. I realise, that the universe is inviting me to become more creative and communicating in that regard, which is scary for me. However, I am much more relaxed now and have an inner attitude to the whole thing that I will try my best and it will either work out or it won`t, but I will still try. Another project waiting to be tackled is the well being thing, which I do no longer want to push away from me. Having now lived mainly on microwaved food (which I have never liked) for a couple of weeks, I do miss my own kitchen and the possibility to cook. So there, I will give the universe a good run for its money (or my money to be more exact) and create a new space of well being for myself. I will keep you posted about my progress. Hugs and love to you all
I recall once when I had an apartment that didn't have a stove/oven. I used a microwave, but also found that having a hot plate allowed me to cook beyond the microwave. I found an inexpensive used, but in good condition hot plate at a thrift store for a couple of bucks, and that worked fine. Just a suggestion for you - and of course raw veggies and fruits are always a good "wellness" choice too. ;~D
My thoughts are with you my friend, and I send you my intentions that many blessings will fall upon you in this transitional time for you, and for us all really. You are a brave soul, and many of us here are sending you so much love and support.
